|Superman? I don't see it. I'm not judging.|
I was halfway through a fascinating article about how Snookie is now dating Liam Neeson, and together they're planning to go feed orphans in Africa this summer with Bono.
"Let me see," said the Mini-Pirate. I tilted the magazine up for her to see, while still reading about how Snookie, Neeson and Bono are tired of the paparazzi following them around the globe while they're engaging in their philanthropic efforts.
Mini-P gazed upon the picture of the actor on the magazine cover, appraising him for a moment, and then said, "Whoa, he's hot."
And then my head exploded.
Too soon too soon too soon too soon too soon.
I get that kids have childhood crushes. Believe you me. Loyal readers might remember the first time Mini-P tried to give me an immediate embolism the first time she informed that she was getting married. The embolism was avoided, though, when she explained that her intended groom was Aquaman. I sighed with relief, since that wasn't so much her first engagement as her first crush on a gay guy. (You know it's true -- embrace yourself, A-Man.)
Her second crush was more intense. Perhaps you recall? The time she and I were watching Raiders of the Lost Ark, and Mini-P screamed in lovesick delight when she realized she was in love with (young) Harrison Ford? That infatuation lingered for a while. It's actually still going on. We're still not allowed to say "Han Solo" around her, because she says it makes her fall in love with him all over again. (Although sometimes we still tease her by sneaking up behind and whispering, "That's no moon. That's a space station.")
And of course that crush, albeit way more intense was still pretty cute. And easy to nip, if necessary -- I'll just show her a recent photo of Indy, circa that horrible, franchise-murdering Crystal Skulls movie. That oughta put the ol' kibosh on.
This little moment in the living room, however, was different. First of all, the kid has never called someone "hot" before. Nary a Jonas brother has provoked that from her. She has proven so far to be immune to Bieber Fever. And second all, she never did so while lounging in a chair, one leg dangling over the chair arm, looking for all intents and purposes like a bored, lackadaisical...
See, she wasn't supposed to respond to the new Superman by casually assessing him and calling him "hot." She was supposed to light up and say, WOW! There's gonna be another Superman movie? That's awesome! Daddy we have to go see it! I wonder who'll be the bad guy maybe Lex Luthor or General Zod maybe he'll go to the Phantom Zone and maybe there will be Kryptonite I totally want be Supergirl for Halloween next year if I had a dog I'd name him Krypto the Superdog like what I read in my Superman book is there a real city named Metropolis cuz I wanna go there and hey lets play a game where I'm Supergirl and Daddy you can be Superman and Mommy is Lois Lane and blabbity blabbity bloopy blop bleep yaddah yaddah........
Because she's nine.
No one told me "nine" is actually "thirteen."
Seriously, you guys. Someone should've told me.