Monday, April 25, 2011

Scary

I walk into Mini-Pirate's room, carrying an armload of clean laundry not really paying attention to my surroundings.  It's a warm and bright Spring afternoon, and her room is a cozy nest of light, color, and fuzzy stuffed animals, as usual.  A very comfortable environment.

I stop.  I stand in the middle of the room.

Something is not right.

I look around.  I feel a strange creeping sensation at the back of my neck, icy fingers.  Possibly Icy Fingers of Doom.  At the very least, Lukewarm Fingers of Possible Disgruntlement.

I feel as if I am not alone in this room.

I glance around, increasingly nervous.  Everything looks normal. The menagerie of stuffed animals on the bed looks normal, not a bear, bunny or penguin out of place.  Books are stacked on shelves, arts and crafts supplies spilling off Mini-P's work table, as usual.  Nothing seems out of the ordinary.

And yet... I feel a sense of foreboding.

The closet door is closed.  Is it usually closed?  No?  Is that why my spidey sense is tingling?  Is that why my parental instinct to protect and/or run away screaming is starting to bristle beneath my skin?  Could it be possible that... someone is hiding in there?  Some sort of Ghostface-esque invader who likes to enter rental houses in nice neighborhoods at 2:00 in the afternoon, the perfect danger hour, since no innocent resident would ever expect a butcher-knife wielding maniac at such a time?

That's just silly, Pirate, I say to myself.  There's no one hiding in my daughter's closet, crouched behind that gigantic pile of laundry and leotards with a big knife.

I open the closet door, a quick yank.  My breath catches.

No one there.

I drop Mini-P's clean jeans onto the shelf and close the closet door behind me.  Of course there was no one there.  That would be ridiculous.

Under the bed, though... that's very different.

Mustering every thread of bravery I can pull from deep within my SOUL, I hunch over and peer under Mini-P's bed, ready to see an evil leprechaun, or a demon clown doll with glowing eyes, grinning at me.

Nothing.

I stand again, surveying the room.  There's nothing out of the ordinary here.  Truly.  Everything looks the same.

Yet different.  The more I gaze around, the more it feels like my daughter's room is actually a movie set made to look just like her room, to fool me.  That if I push away the props and knock over a couple stage flats, I'll find a diabolical new setting, maybe an evil mastermind creature lounging in a Director's chair, rubbing his hands together and laughing at me.

That's what it is.  This feeling, I realize.  Someone is watching me.

I slowly turn, 180 degrees.  And when I do, that's when I see.  Right there, on the wall.  It's eyes have been boring into my back the entire time, while I unsuspectingly looked everywhere else, like Drew Barrymore in the beginning of the first Scream movie.  Poor, naive, stupid, stupid Drew.  Now I know how she feels, the scream that caught in her throat when she saw the face of pure evil staring at her.

I see the face before me.  He has invaded my daughter's room, her life, and all our lives.  We are the last household in America to fall, I realize.  He looks right at me, ready to laugh his maniacal laugh, tear his way right out of the poster taped to the wall, and forcibly enter the room:


He's in the house.  He has finally come for my daughter.

38 Wonderfully Didactic Comments:

  1. Noooooooooo! (I lost my youngest sister to Bieber fever months ago)

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  2. Crackin me up man. My daughters haven't taken to Bieber so far. Hoping that continues-we'll see.

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  3. It was inevitable, all you can do is accept it now.

    And be careful, The Bieb doesn't stop at daughters. I've been told he will come after everyone in the household before he's done.

    SD
    www.TheSimpleDude.com

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  4. Just this weekend my uncle was bragging that there are "no such thing as hormones on MY house. It's not allowed." I laughed and said, "You just wait." He has two daughters -- 11 and 15 years old. We will see. Bwahahaha!

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  5. Nooo! You mustn't let it take control, keep the fight alive! Think of the children!
    Vive la résistance!

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  6. Oh... I wish... I wish it stopped there. I've seen Bieber silly bands and trading cards. Posters and magazine articles. Trivia questions and movies! Oh Dear God the MOVIES! Standard and uncut. *weeping* There's nothing you can do. There's nowhere you can hide. He's here now. It's over.

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  7. "I stand again, surveying the room. There's nothing out of the ordinary here. Truly. Everything looks the same."

    That's the part of the scene when the camera pans upwards to reveal the killer hanging from the ceiling, just over the victim's head.

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  8. Hahahahaha...this is why the Internet missed you so badly. "Lukewarm Fingers..."=awesome. Btw, I know a guy who can perform an exorcism for a reasonable price.

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  9. NOW I understand "the thing" you've been struggling with that has prevented you from blogging.

    Deprogramming can be time consuming.

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  10. @Chio: please tell me there's a vaccination for Bieber Fever.

    @Tim: dude, I was sure Bieber Fever was going to pass us by! It hit everyone else at her school, but left her untouched! Until now.

    @Simple Dude: It's going to be ok. I'm having our house tented to make sure that NEVER HAPPENS.

    @OneZenMom: Yer tellin' me, sister.

    @Nicole: I'm so sorry. You're blind forever now. You have the Bieber Blindness.

    @Erin: 11 and 15? The Biebs MUST have found them by now!

    @dryamusement: I'm trying... so.... tired........ cannot... resist....

    @J-Bird: I'd trade the Biebs in for a pack of Jonases in a second. I swear.

    @christy: *trying to run, tripping on a tree branch* I'm down! Go on without me! Save yourself!

    @The Holmes: That would've been a happier ending.

    @Beta: Send him over. Nothing short of a higher power is gonna get the Biebs out of my house.

    @SciFi Dad: Time consuming... and fruitless, I'm pretty sure.

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  11. I used to have a poster of Michael Jackson that really appeared to watch you wherever you went in the room. Let's hope Bieber's career is...SHORTER.

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  12. The Bieber poster is only a distraction. The demon clown doll is still there... hiding. Waiting. Patiently.

    Trust me.

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  13. Never fear. You have sideburns older than the Biebs. Plus, I hear that the Jonas brothers have a hit out on him. It's only a matter of time.

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  14. HAHAHA...I have watched the evolution of the boy muscians through the years from New Kids, Back Street, N'Sync, 98 Degrees(i dunno how to find the symbol) and now the Beiber Fever and I fear the day my daughter is old enough to crush on the hideousness of the next generation of money suckers.

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  15. You should have taken an axe to it. Or would chopping it's head off be the only way to stop it?

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  16. Bieber killed the Unicorns and Harry Potter. Dude, I'm so sorry.

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  17. Ooh. Bieber fever is running rampant among my students. I swear, if I hear that name one more time... Good luck with that, man.

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  18. Holy shit, NOOOOOOO!
    He is awful cute, though.

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  19. GAH! Is Harrison jealous?

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  20. No! Another innocent young one falls prey to this horrible plague. She was so young. How many more?! How many more?

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  21. Saw him on (probably) a rerun of George Lopez's talk show last night. I found myself staring in a sort of enthralled terror as he sang lovingly to the melting ladies in the audience. Mrs. Cbeck, as she walked into the room commented, "What is this?" I responded with, "Some sort of pedophilia skit from SNL..." and then it actually became quite interesting.

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  22. The Leif Garrett of the 21st century.

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  23. Oh no! Justin Beiber is all that is wrong with our culture. I say we make him walk the plank and leave him on an island somewhere. I refuse to let my children be Beliebers.
    Ava

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  24. God I've missed your writing. Thanks for bringing a huge smile to my face Pirate!

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  25. This is some f*cked up sh*t right here.

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  26. Thanks...now I have to sleep with the lights on or else imagine the little mop top hiding in my closet...

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  27. I'm sad to learn of Mini P's descent into madness, but am happy to know that I am not the only one that has been a bad bad blogger of late.

    Life happens, I guess.

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  28. Ah! Kill it! At the very least bury it under a crushing chest of treasure.

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  29. Hi there,

    I have a question about your site, would you mind emailing me back @ kthomas@primroseschools.com?

    Thanks,
    Kathleen

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  30. Noooo...come back, it's another seven week break...

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  31. Just wait till she's older and the posters are of some fat sweaty rapper that's 2x your age.
    That's when things get reeeeeeeeally creepy.

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  32. Hahaha, this is hilarious! Oh Biebs, I remember having pictures of boys I cut out from Teen Beat on my walls when I was a kid. Time to get the chastity belt out! ;) Kidding... but she's discovering the opposite sex, scary!

    -Lizzy

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  33. Hmm, with the Justin Bieber scandal that's going on right now are you going to let your daughter keep that poster on the wall? Such a shame that so many young girls look up to him and now he's involved with something like teen pregnancy.

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  34. Lol... Justin Bieber has entered my home as well. This is quite the crazy that the world has fallen into. I am surprised that it has taken this long for you especially with a young girl in the house.

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